Its been a while

Time for a small update. A lot has happened recently. I find myself moved away, looking for a new job. Fighting a custody battle. And I have found myself a new man, that knows absolutely everything. They always say you will meet someone when you least expect it. I did. From that first night we met. We talked, talked and never stopped. He has put the spark back into my life. I now feel that I can fight anything. Which is amazing. As only a few days before I met him. I had ended up in A+E, with no idea how I got there. I had finally hit rock bottom. And I needed help. The counselling continues, the police have been in contact recently, things are moving forward. I have not self harmed again. I drink less, smoke less. Cry less. 2019 is looking to be a year that will be better for me. It’s not easy as I still have a lot of fights to fight, but I have someone supporting me, and he has made me realize, that I can do this. I am not alone anymore..

Furthermore. I have decided that my blog, will still contain updates, but my full story will come later. As I am going to attempt to turn it into a book. Wish me luck.

Thanks for checking in. I will keep you all updated as much as I can..

Happy New Year..

CPTSD part 13.

So what do I do now? I have opened up my wounds for all to see. I thought it was the right thing to do. But now I am so uncertain of everything. This rollercoaster is going so slow yet so fast. I have no idea, of anything right now. I ask myself regularly why me. Why did this happen to me. When will things actually be rosy in my life. I watched others, who appear to have it all. I work my arse off to give everything I can for my children. Yet, why do I feel like such a failure. I have nothing to show really. Yes, I have a job that I adore. I love my kids to pieces. But everything else is so shit right now. I want this year to end. I hate the way I feel right now. The uncertainties, the guilt. How did things get to this? Why now. I was doing ok. Not great but I was ok. Then I went to a family funeral, life changed. I left my marriage, my home, my kids. I tried to make it work alone. But I failed, I really failed. 

How can life change so much, that it tips you right off your path, that you no longer, know how to get back on. My counselling session started this week, it was ok. I know its the right time for me, I have to face the past, to begin a better future. But at the minute, I see no future, so whats the point I ask myself. I am so done with feeling broken. I just want to forget about it, forget about everything and everyone that has hurt me. How long can I pretend that I am ok, when really I am not. I broke a little this week. Everything had become a little to much, I was silly, I regret what I did, I am ashamed. But it is how I cope when things are really bad. I guess, I’m just not accepting things right now. 

I truly feel like my heart has been ripped out. I don’t want to keep feeling this, but I do. I have to let go of everything from the past. But how do I do it, when I am surrounded by it. I am trying, really trying. But I just don’t know which path to take right now. I am trying to hide, from the reality of the pain. Put on a brave face, but I am struggling. Am I capable of getting through this. I have made so many different wrong choices in my life. I have accepted so many times to be treated like, I don’t really matter, that it is ok, to make me feel like, I mean everything, yet I meant nothing. I cut myself again this week, I just did it, I don’t know why. I do regret it. Really regret it. But I just can’t handle being in my own head. The only time I feel, any peace and comfort is when I am working, putting all my love and care into patients. Yet, I can’t do that 24/7. I have to be home, I have to face the truth of all my choices. The mistakes I have made. I can not blame it all on the past, some of this is my own doing. I am selfish, to not think differently. I am in charge of my destiny. I let people treat me the way they do. I always have sat back and accepted it. I never said no, not once to my cousin. I let it happen, so I am just as guilty as him. I let my parents continue to treat me the way they did, even as an adult. I never stood up for myself. I just let them walk all over me. And then, there are the men in my life. I let them in, I trusted them and I got hurt. So I am the one to blame. Leaving home, I chose to do that, now our finances have taken a hard hit, that’s all me!! I can’t blame my husband, I did this, me… 

So I ask, what do I do now? Continue to live in this world of self pity? Move on? Who actually cares anyway? I have friends, great friends. But no one wants to listen to this self pity. It gets boring after a while. So I write it in my blog. I know not many will read, I don’t worry about that. I just write because then, its out of my head for that short period. And maybe one day, I will look back at this and think, gosh, it was bad, but you survived.. Right now, I really don’t know what to think. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or worry about me. My dear friends, that, take the time to read this, you know me, i will be ok. I love you all, and I really, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for just being there, not judging, listening and well just being there. I love you all. I will get through this, I won’t let it destroy me. I have my family, my job and I now have my counselling. I had a blip, I regret it. I hate trying to hide it and lying about it. But I couldn’t stop it. I have been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder. I guess living with mental health is hard, it’s just accepting the battle, you are fighting and not letting it win. 

If you got this far, I thank you for stopping by and reading. Everyone is fighting some kind of a battle, we can all hide it. But sometimes it all becomes to much. Talk to your loved ones, don’t keep it in. Write about it. It may or may not help, sometimes, i think it does, then other times, I think, whats the point. But truth is there is a point, i had a traumatic past, I am facing it, i am doing something about it. If it means spending time on this rollercoaster, then I will continue. It’s not nice. But I have to be strong for my family and work family. I have to much to lose. I must remember this…

update

What a day.. I can honestly say, my head is all over the place at the minute. This morning started off with my first counselling session. So lets start with that. I woke up half a dozen times during the night. Anxiety, took hold of me. My mind just wouldn’t settle. I have waited for so long for this day. Why am I feeling so anxious. This is the start of a new beginning. But is it going to help, I keep asking myself. I set my alarm early as I knew, I would need to fight the rush hour traffic. But I got up late, I wanted to go, but I wanted to cancel. I got up showered, got ready. I knew I would be late, but I had to do this. So I got in my car and drove. I was 15 mins late. Not a great start to my first session. My counselor was understanding. So we got down to business. Today was mainly paperwork based. Dealing with holidays, confidentiality, agreement to attend. We did start talking a little into the past. Thankfully, my counselor was the lady, that did my assessment back in march. So she already knew a lot of stuff. That helped. 

So the real healing begins next week. She did say, that I don’t have to spend every session, discussing the past. I can chose to talk about anything. I thought that was good, but lets hope that I don’t do what I did many years back. When I was 17, as I had counselling then, but I didn’t use it to my best ability. I often chose to speak of what was happening in the now, not the past. I need this to work for me now. So much has happened in my life, the choices I have made. The anxieties. The low self esteem, the constant need for reassurance. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to doubt that I did a good or bad job with my children. The fear that one day they will feel about me as I do my mother. They have no reason to feel that. I know that, but it scares me to the core. I want to be the best parent, their best friend, the person they turn to when they need to. 

So what happened after my session. I met up with a couple good friends for lunch, which was lovely. I then drove home, I had a call from someone connected to the police, she was checking in on me. She asked me if I had any updates lately. I explained that my case had been handed over to someone else. I wasn’t sure who. She messaged me to tell me, that it was now with a male police officer. I’m not sure what his standing is, but I don’t think its a detective now. So does that mean, they are not taking my case seriously anymore. What does is mean?? So getting home, I started to feel sick again, similar to yesterday, I am sure this is just anxiety. As I don’t think I will be sick, its just a proper uneasy feeling in my stomach. I guess I just don’t want to come this far for nothing. I have no idea, where or when it will end. But it has to be for something. Please don’t let my opening up be for nothing.

Part 12.. Nervous.. ( my story continues, scroll to bottom to real from the start..)

Its chilly today. Christmas is around the corner. Filling me with dread this year. Every year I say to the kids, you won’t get much. Money is tight. Then I manage to somehow, find a way of making sure they are spoilt as much as I can. But this year, will be different. I haven’t even started shopping yet. And I have no idea, how I am going to or what I am going to get. When I left my family, earlier this year, It took a lot more than I was expecting. And I am still dealing with it now. I’m home, but its different. I used to be the one that dealt with all of the finances. But no longer. That is down to the husband now. So xmas shopping isn’t going to be an easy task. It will be ok though, I will make it as good as I can. There may not be a mountain of gifts under the tree this year. But I will make sure my children know they are loved. I will do my best to make it fun for them. I am not to worried to be fair. I have raised my children well, I believe. They will be happy no matter what. 

Anyway, less of my xmas woes. Tomorrow, I start my specialist counselling. I am feeling ill today, reckon its more anxiety related, than any type of bug coming my way. I know this is what I need. I am ready for it. But I am worried about the nightmares, the flashbacks. After my police interview, they were so real, raw. Hard to deal with. Since starting this blog, they have become easier to deal with and happen less. However, I know that this counselling will involve breaking my past into small pieces, dealing with things, I have tried so hard to hide. When I went for my first assessment in march. The counselor said I had to learn, how to let the little girl inside me feel protected, loved and not at fault. Is it really going to be that easy though.  

30+ years ago it all started, my living hell. The childhood physical and emotional abuse from my parents, the sexual abuse from my cousin. I have many years of denial, low self esteem, insecurity, anxiety and depression.Is it possible to change the way I think and feel in a matter of 6 months, 26 hours of therapy? Is it really going to be that easy. What will my counselling involve. I have spoke to counselors before, but I rarely mentioned my past. I may have spoke with little snippets. But rarely went into detail. And if the counselor tried to pursue it further, I would give up and not go back. What if it gets to much, what if I decide I can’t continue with it. I need this to work, more than I have ever needed anything to work. I need to heal from this. As I get older, I realise how much my past has affected me, and still affects me now. I want to stop the self torture. I don’t want to be this insecure person any more. I want the next chapter of my life, to be the best yet. I want to be less insecure, have more confidence, and more belief in myself. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to let the past go. I don’t know what will come from the police process. It may not get anywhere. But I have finally started to let go. I know the truth, I have my friends and family around me. What ever happens now, things can only start to get better. So lets begin today. This is my story, its painful, it hurts, but through to the end of it, I will finally have peace. Whatever, comes from this, it can only be positive to my healing. 

I will update again tomorrow, to let you all know how my first session went….  To be continued…. 

update 11. ( read my full blog by scrolling down to the beginning).

Where do I start. Well I can say that I have had some news this week. To my surprise I had a call from the specialist counselling team. They had a space become available. I thought I would be happy. But I am apprehensive. To be honest, i got the call at work. The days I was offered were days that I worked. It would be complicated. How on earth, can I expect my boss to change my shift pattern. And at short notice. They wanted me the next day or at least starting next week. So I went and spoke to my boss. I don’t know what I was hoping for, would she give me this time. Or would I wait for the next spot. Am I really ready for this. I have found a way to cope right now. Am I ready to dig deep. Really face the past. Find that little girl that needs rescuing. Can I really do this.

My boss as always, was supportive as ever, and found a way to make it work. So I called the centre to except my counselling sessions. I now have less than a week. I had accepted that I won’t start talking until march/april next year. Now I had a week. I feel selfish in a way, as their are probably people out there, that need it more than I do. But I also know that deep down, I need this.

This year has tested me in more ways, than, I could possibly imagine. I truly don’t know which way my life is facing right now. Some days I am ok, not great, but I am ok. Then there are days when all I can think about is the argument inside my head. I can’t live this life anymore, I don’t want to be here. But I can’t leave this life. What about my children, what about the job I worked so hard for. If I failed to end this. I would be deemed unfit to work. Whether I failed or succeeded. How selfish is that of me, to do this to my family. This is an argument, that fills my head most days at the min. Its just an argument with in my head. But it’s exhausting. My emotions are so up and down. I can easily put aside my feelings, when I am busy focusing on others. But alone in the car, or at home. These thoughts override me. I am glad that this counselling has finally come forward for me. I need it, I know I need it. I’m terrified to open up the rawness of my past. But I know, if I don’t do something. I may not survive this pain, i am feeling.

So one week from now, will be the start of finally fixing 40+ years of torment. Maybe then, I will be less vulnerable for people, to feel like they can come into my life, rip it in half and throw me away like I am nothing. Maybe, now I can stop feeling insecure. Act more like a grown up. Stop self destructing my own life. Leave the past in the past, bury the insecurities. Stop the act. It’s ok to cry, to not be ok sometimes. I have survived hell. It’s now time to try and except my life, my future. To try and be proud of the person I have become. Who knows, I may succeed. I know I owe it to my family, work family to try. Its time to heal. If I give in to the dark thoughts, then my past wins and all those that don’t deserve to know me win. This blog, is my place to say how I feel. I will continue to share as much as I can. I don’t want it to be completely negative. Please bare with me. As the next few months are going to be one hell of a roller coaster.

Thanks for stopping by!!

teenager. part 10 remember if not read my full story, scroll down…. :)

This week has been tough for me. I have been feeling incredibly low. Each time I get in the car, I am hoping that someone ends my misery. Stupid..because I am to much of a coward to do anything to myself. Does it mean I am suicidal? I would argue that i’m not. Just really fed up, low. And want it to end. I know its just a down period, and soon I will be out of it again. I have so much to be thankful for, so why am I so selfish? There are people out there, suffering a lot worse, than what I have, to go through. Yet, I just can’t find a way to feel good right now.

Ok, so I had a tough childhood. I didn’t know what love was until I became a mother. But I turned my life around. It could have been so much more different. So why, why do I continue to give myself a hard time. The last thing I want is for my blog to be totally depressing and negative. This isn’t why I have chosen to write. But I have chosen, to share how I feel, because it helps me. I want to share what it is like in my head. So there you go, I am feeling down. One of the reasons being, that recently, I put my trust in a good friend, and that friend totally changed before my eyes. I did not see it coming. I hate the fact, that my vulnerability still allows certain people to treat me like they do. I think that given, everything I have dealt with this year, the awful let down of my friend, just makes it all so much harder to deal with. But I’m not going to let it destroy me. I have to pick myself up and move forward. Like I have so many times before. Anyway, so this is how I am feeling right now. So to pick myself up, I am going to continue this update with something that will, take me away from how I am feeling now, to some of the good times I had as a teenager.

13 years old I met my best friend, little did I know, that 20+ years later, we are still as close as ever. She is my world, we may not see each other often, but I know when we need each other, we are there. So here’s our story, of what we got up to as teenagers.

My bestie lived 8 miles away from me, but that never stopped us. My parents would never, drive me to her house. My fathers attitude was that he used to walk 6 miles to school. If I wanted to see my friend, then I can walk the distance. So that is what I did. Whenever, I was allowed out, I would be walking the 8 miles to my friends house. Sometimes, we would walk a further 5 miles to catch a bus to the local town, for some much needed girly shopping. Not that I ever had any money, maybe enough for the bus fare. But I didn’t need money, I was out with my bestie. I was more than happy wandering around the shops enjoying the freedom. So what did we get up to then.

Well, my best friend lived with her father, who was often out late. We used to stay up watching movies, cooking, chatting about our latest crush. Sometimes, we might do a bit of homework, but truthfully for me that was rare. We used to hang out in the local pub, spending the night mostly playing pool and listening to music. Then we met these guys that drove, and we would go everywhere together. My parents never had a clue. But I didn’t care, I was enjoying life and it was worth the risk. We used to go back to one of their houses, have drinking challenges, my best friend and I never left each others side. She knew my secrets, and we stuck by each other. But we need not worry as the guys, were lovely. I soon began to trust them, and one eventually became my first boyfriend.

The best part of having friends with cars, was the freedom we had. I will never forget the first time, they took us to a nightclub, we were 15, we had planned it for a couple weeks before. I was nervous, would I seriously get in as an 18 year old. As luck would have it, we did. Three floors the nightclub had, and the most amazing cocktails I had ever tasted. We all stuck together like glue, dancing and giggling. The best part was, my friend that was allocated driver, had a knack for sleeping anywhere, honest, I’m sure he could sleep stood up. This one night, we had all been dancing on the dance floor, and he had been sat in the corner, at our table looking after our bags. We came back and there he was sound asleep underneath the blaring speakers. I remember someone, coming up to ask if he was ok. We laughed so much about it, to this day, we still find it funny.

Then there was this time, that I was staying at my besties. we had waited for her father to go to sleep, then crept out of the house. We walked around the country lanes, with these lads, singing loudly. Making up silly songs. Laughing so much. Then hiding in a field if a car drove by in case it was the police. As daylight began to surface, we would hide in this half built house. And wait for her father to leave for work. Me jumping up and down saying there he is, there he is, then running around the corner and almost knocking myself out hitting my head on the wall. No sympathy from my friend, she was crying with laughter. Admittedly it was a little funny.

One of our friends that had a car, also had a bungalow. We used to spend a lot of our time there. Listening to music, watching films. Playing volleyball, having water fights. drinking challenges were the best. How we use to drink thunderbird, yuck. lol. However, mad dog 20/20. What I would give to have a bottle of that, yum yum. Yes I was a rebel, or a typical teenager. I did have some fun, especially with my bestie. She is and always has been my rock.

Its been nice reminiscing about the good times. I may have been through hell, but during that period, when I had a chance to live as a normal teenager, I took it, and I enjoyed every second.

Thank you so much again for reading. I actually feel quite chipper now, talking about this.

Thank you for your continued support. xxx

 

 

Time heals.. a few words.

Time heals they say. Keep your head down and move on. Stop acting irrationally. Looking for an answer, is living in guilt and hate. Is it though? I have such a low opinion of myself. That when I get hurt, I need to know why? Was it something I did wrong. Or was it him? I know that everything happens for a reason. But what are the reasons? Why do I find it so easy to meet people that try to destroy me. I watched a film recently. And something was said in it. Which made me think. You look for the love you think you deserve. Maybe this is true. Maybe, I do.

I have had few relationships, trusting men is not the easiest for me. Hence, why I stayed single waiting patiently for 10 years for my husband. But when I think about the relationships, I have had. Its has always been me that has had to put in the effort. Then it backfires. I’m not a needy person. I don’t want to be showered in gifts and flowers. I just want to know that I am respected and loved. Do I have damaged written on my forehead. Help yourself to a piece of her heart, and destroy it.

Time heals… Maybe it does, but somewhere, there will always be the unanswered questions. The ache in your heart. That reminds you, you are still alive. I read a post today, it said that survivors of childhood sexual abuse are 10 – 13 times more likely to commit suicide. If only people knew, how many times, I had considered this. But truth is, I am a coward. I grew up in hell. I could never let my children suffer in any shape or form. So I have to survive this. I have to accept that not everyone has the perfect life. I have to let fate decide whether justice is done. I have to accept the love that I have, and stop trying to seek something, I will never find.

I will give it time, I will continue this journey that has been planned out for me. I will take the knocks. I will get back up. I will have my bad days, I will have my good. I will continue to smile, even when deep down inside, I am broken. I will continue to write my blog. Because, I know that for those that are reading, some who have been through, what I have or know someone that has suffered. You know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words and support.

 

Not the best of days!! part 9 (To read my full story scroll to the bottom first).

Feeling proper down today, probably just tiredness. But I am really struggling. I have just spoken to the detective. Not reassured, not one bit. I am starting to feel, what was the point. Was it worth reliving the nightmare. Nothing is going to come of it.

By the sounds of it, she is no further forward than she was 4 months ago. She is still waiting for records to come back to her. She is struggling to get statements from my relatives. Was it all for nothing? My brother said he would give a statement, but now, it feels like he has backtracked that, and making excuses to not speak.

I really don’t think the police are getting anywhere. I know they have many other cases to go through. I don’t know what I was expecting to be fair. How am I supposed to remain strong, continue living local to the family, that ruined my life. If at the end of the day, I am made to look like the fool?

I love my family, I love my job, but right now it would be so easy to just escape from all of it. I know that there are people out there, living a worse nightmare than, what I am. I feel guilty that I let this get to me. I have my health, I have a good job, loving family. Children I am so very very proud of. Yet, its not enough is it? I still want to throw it all away, because, I am worried that I am not who I thought I was. Am I good parent? Am I a good nurse? Am I to blame for it all? Did I do something as child that made my parents hate me? Did I do something that made my cousin feel it was ok to do what he did. Did I encourage it.

Recently, my confidence has grown a little, I will flirt with men. I never used to. But I do like to be a bit of flirt. I don’t go over the top with it. Just friendly banter really. Did I know how to flirt at the age of 6 or later? Did I bring it all on myself. Boyfriends that I have had, have hurt me. They have used me, cheated on me, beat me. Even my husband, although he wouldn’t hurt a hair on my head. He treated me disrespectfully for many years before he finally gave in, and married me. How awful, does that sound, he gave in. But its true, for 10 years we would be sleeping together every weekend, but he always said we couldn’t be in a relationship, he didn’t love me the way I wanted him to. But I didn’t believe him, so I waited and I waited and eventually, he changed his mind, and we ended up married, and had children together.

He tells me he loves me, but I find it hard to feel it. Sometimes, its like living a marriage of convenience. He never makes an effort with me. We just live separate lives. We don’t really talk anymore. I left a few months ago, I am back now, but I am not happy. I feel like I am selfish, for saying so, but I really am not happy. Not one bit.

Christmas is coming, since being a mother, I have always looked forward to it. Worse than the kids, my excitement starts in August, lol. But this year, I am really struggling to feel the spirit. I haven’t even started shopping yet. I really couldn’t care less. I have always made an extra effort at christmas, as I don’t have family that buy for my children, the only presents, they receive are normally from me. So I go the extra mile to make sure they are spoilt. Besides its the only time of year they really get spoilt. But it’s not going to happen this year. I just can’t find that part of me. So much has happened. My husband talks to me about christmas like we are separated, buying separately for the children. I used to be the one that controlled the finances in our household. But now, he does it. So its not easy for me, to just go and buy things. I have tried to suggest, shared bills account, and split the difference at the end. But he isn’t keen. So for now I am hoping, christmas will miss this house, or at least, he will go out and do the shopping, prove me wrong.

It’s not just about the gifts, or lack of really. It’s everything. It will be my first christmas without my gran. It totally breaks my heart, knowing I won’t see her. She was the one woman that I looked up to as a mother figure. I hate that when I go to talk to her, she can not answer. I hate that christmas is coming, that she isn’t here, to take to the garden centres. I have lost this beautiful women, that was in my life. She would be here now, getting me in the spirit for christmas. She used to love hearing my stories of what surprises I had in store for the children. We used to sit and talk, plan how I would be getting, something that they really wanted. That the children will be so thrilled. She used to love it, and that use to encourage me more. But this year, I really just don’t feel it.

Then I have the fact that my real mother is dying. As much as I say I hate my mother, I can’t help feeling guilty that I won’t let go of the past. So that she can die peacefully. I really am not a bitch! I just don’t know how, to forgive her. I tried recently, I really did. I walked into the hospital, it was the first time, I had seen her in years. I told her about things that had been happening to me, how I was struggling. She totally changed the subject, and said life’s not fair, why did this have to happen to me. I was so angry. Why does it have to be about her. She has no one to blame but herself, for her situation. She never did anything to try and become healthy, she ignored health advice, she continued to be inactive and pile on the weight. I’m sorry, but I see people fight to get back the person they were. I looked after my mother, when she was ill. I listened to the excuses, why she couldn’t do something. I listened to the blame game of the medical profession, that had let her down. Thing is you can not help someone, who does not want to be helped. So why, why? Am I letting myself, feel guilt for her impending death. I want to make amends, but at the same time I really don’t. I just don’t know, how I can pretend that, it’s ok. I can’t lie to her. Or myself.

Life really has hit the bottom of the road, I really don’t know how to get back on top. I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I don’t know how to feel good about things, when everything seems to be going against me. I can pretend, I am ok, but inside, i’m not. I have totally made a mess of things. Today, I really wonder why I bothered speaking up. The police will never find any evidence. It’s not going to go anywhere. I want to remain positive, but I am being realistic. I am honest, sometimes, its hard to see the positive side of things. I am not saying to anyone reading don’t speak up. Because, every case is different, you should speak up. For me at the min, I just don’t know how to accept that it might of all been a waste.

As for my life at home, and work. I love my job, its my happy place, most of the time. It gets stressful, but I love it. But I can’t be there 24/7. I have to have a home, work life balance. So home life. How can I change it, I could go to marriage counselling, that might help in the short term. Or it will make us see that we are at the end of the road. I just don’t know if I am really ready to face it. I don’t want to hurt my children again. But can I stay here for them? How can I tell my husband, that I am really not looking forward to christmas? How do I feel the love that I once had? I would have walked on hot coal for him, I literally put my life on hold for 10 years waiting for him. How can I feel so distant now? Do I just leave? Leave home, work? Try and find myself somewhere else. Maybe for a few months/ years? Can I survive on my own? Where would I go? It’s so easy to sit here and think, I want to run, I need to leave. But truth is, I literally have nothing. I have nowhere to go. Wherever, I go the feelings I am feeling will still be there. Probably worse, as the guilt of leaving my children. Especially at this time of year. How can I be so selfish to even think it.

Thanks for listening. 😦

6 months, 26 weeks or 182 days part 8

Nightmares, nightmares, nightmares. Sleep what is it, time for rest, time to recharge your inner battery. I can’t say that I am feeling recharged. Don’t get me wrong, some nights, I sleep better than others. The nightmares aren’t as bad now, when I first spoke out, they were often, 3-4 times a week. Now its much less. Maybe one a week. I am trying hard to get my life back to normal now. There isn’t much I can do accept wait.

Waiting is not my strong point, why can’t my life be like those that are portrayed on the TV. Lets skip the middle and get to the end. If only life could be as easy as that. Still no closer to my session of counselling. No recent updates from the police. My down days are less now, than my good days. So maybe something a little positive. But the nightmares still exist.

I had dinner with a good friend the other evening, I was talking about my blog with her. She hadn’t read it yet, I was still slowly inviting those I trust into this part of my world. Anyway, so we got talking, I was explaining how the blog was really helping me come to terms with my feelings. That since my last major breakdown, I have found away to let off steam. To not need to run away from myself. To try and start living a normal existence. I digress. So talking about my blog, got me thinking about my past, which probably led to my most recent nightmare.

The nightmare…. It was normal now, if my cousin was around, I knew what was coming, I had accepted it. It had been happening now for 4 years, things didn’t hurt as much. It was mainly oral sex, and his hand down there and my hand on him.  It was raining outside, I was home alone, cleaning the house. I was really making an effort to make it look nice. So my parents would come back and be happy with me. Growing up our door was always open, neighbours, relatives came and went. It was a sunday, my parents and siblings were off rummaging around the carboot sales. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, I wasn’t keen on walking around car boot sales. So I set about cleaning the kitchen. My cousin came over, started teasing me like normal. He then asked me to go upstairs with him. I couldn’t say no. I never could. So upstairs I went. He told me to lie on the bed, he removed my underwear, and started touching and putting his mouth down there. He then put his in my mouth, I really wanted to vomit, I hated it, but I closed my eyes and just let him do what he wanted as I knew that any minute, it would be over and I can return to cleaning. Not this time though, he made me lie on the bed, he got on top of me, I wasn’t sure what he was doing at first. Then he tried to put it in me, asking if its in. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I said yes. (Unknown to me at this time it wasn’t in). So he started moving up and down on me heavy breathing, he was heavy. I just lay there, no idea what he was doing. It didn’t hurt, it was better than when he puts his fingers there. I just lay there, then he was done, he kissed me and left. A week later, he was over again, this time he was babysitting. He came into my room, everyone was a sleep, I was asleep. He got into my bed, and woke me up. He started touching me down there, then he was on top of me. I didn’t say anything, I knew it would be ok, and he would leave. It wasn’t ok, it stung, it hurt, it was the worst feeling ever, I almost screamed, he put his mouth over mine, kissed me, shushed me. That’s what he meant was it in? It felt like hours, I felt like I was going to die. I wanted to die. I was just in a nightmare it wasn’t happening, I would wake up and it would be ok. He finally left me. I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up, I went to the loo, it hurt to pee, I wiped and there was a little blood. I was scared, I didn’t know what to do. I went back to bed. I pretended that I felt ill, i’m not sure if they believed me, but they made me stay in my room, if I was ill, then I wasn’t allowed downstairs. I stayed there all day, that evening, I felt smelly dirty, so I had a bath after my father, I liked having his bath water as it was deep. I lay in the bath for a while, listening to my tape player. I then got out and still was worried about it smelling, it was sore, but it was smelly, all I could smell was him, that smell I hated. It wouldn’t go away. So I went into my mothers room and sprayed some of her perfume down there. Thinking nothing of it. I woke up in the early hours of the morning, with this overwhelming itch. I scratched and I scratched. My labia became swollen, almost like a penis, I was so scared by it. I had to tell my mum that I was sore down there, showed her, She had no idea why it was like it, but took me to the doctors. The doctor thought, I had developed an infection from poor hygiene, I was told off, given cream and hygiene advice. The most embarrassing thing was when she told my teacher at school. It took a few days, but it got less sore down there. I had seen my cousin, not alone thankfully, he would act all jovial, and I had to pretend that I was ok. But now when I saw him, my heart would pound and I would feel an overwhelming urge to want to cry. But I couldn’t. What would I say?

So that was my most recent nightmare. I will be honest, it left me feeling completely out of sorts. I wanted to write about it in my blog, but I couldn’t find the words. Hence, why it has taken me a good few days, to blog. I just buried myself in work. I avoided being home, I just had to keep myself busy. Its strange how I have learnt how to cope with this. At work I am in my happy place, I forget everything on the outside, I feel normal and then at home. It hits me. I think the worst thing is, the guilt I put myself through for leaving the kids. The guilt I feel, because, I don’t think I love my husband anymore. I do love him, just not in the same way, that I did. I think that makes it hard for me, when I am at home. I’m coping at the minute with my past, because I am finding a way to get it out, by writing about it. Sharing my story. But the problems, I have to deal with are not just past related, they are the current situation. They maybe entwined, but for now, I need to face each one separately. And work out what it is, I want from my life. My past can not rule my future. They say a marriage takes work, but I have worked hard from day one to get this far. I fought, for my husband to love me. I don’t want to fight for it anymore. I need him to fight, I will give us time. Because rightly or wrongly, the place that I am at, at the min, is not a place to be making decisions. I have to do what is right for my children, because, my next decision has to be a permanent one.

As for the investigation, it continues.. no news. I have tried to contact my detective on my days off. But I have been unsuccessful as her phone is off. Which means are her days off too. I don’t want to keep on at her, but I would like to know every now and then, what is happening..

Thanks for reading.

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I really appreciate you all sticking by and reading my blog, please remember to share with others. You never know who has been affected by abuse, that wants to know they are not alone. That they to could end there silence.