About a month had past now, since I walked into the specialist counselling centre. No news of a date for therapy. At times I thought I was ok with everything. Then I would suddenly find myself really down again. Overthinking, depressed, anxious, helpless, worthless. If it was a feel sorry for yourself feeling, I felt it. It’s funny really I hate being associated with mental health. I know I’m a sufferer, but those words, I can’t explain it. If I meet anyone that has mental health, I don’t think of them any differently. Yet myself, It feels wrong, it feels like I shouldn’t be a sufferer. I can’t even believe I am saying this in my blog. But I feel for me this is a like a diary. I’m just going to say what I think.
So I am a sufferer of mental health, I’m not ashamed, I just don’t like admitting it. I feel that I should be this strong young women that I believe people see. But inside, I have many broken pieces. I need to be reassured, shown love. I have such a low opinion of myself, I am insecure. If I feel I am in the wrong about something, I will make sure I punish myself in some way. Not physically but mentally. So how have I managed to get where I am today? If you asked me I always say its a fluke. I don’t do self praise. The same as if someone gives me praise on how well I have done to be who I am. I will shrug it off.
I had always wanted to be a nurse, leaving home at 16 without any GCSE’s I gave up on the idea. I worked in various places, to provide for my children. But as they were getting older, I started thinking more and more about what I wanted from the future. Then one new years eve, at my sister in laws. We were sat talking about where we would like to see ourselves in 10 years. I joking said that well I wanted to be a nurse. That was it. LOL. They basically told me that, I was using the kids as an excuse not to try and pursue it. So the new year came, and I phoned local colleges to find out what I needed to do. With the fantastic support of my sister in law, and in time my husband. I did what I needed to do, plus 2 more children later and qualified as a nurse. I DID IT.. So many times I thought I would give up, that I’m no good at it. But this force of nature inside me, made me continue. I sometimes wish I could find that again.
I love what I do, I love being a mum, a wife and I love the job I do. During the first few months of what I am now going to refer to as a breakdown! The only place I felt happy was at work. But everyone has to take time off occasionally. And I had a week of annual leave to take. The start of it wasn’t so bad, I spent time with the children. But by the end of the week, I found my depression getting deeper and the thoughts of what had recently surfaced, more and more on my mind. By the Sunday, I was contemplating reporting to the police. The more I thought of it the more, I would talk myself out of it.. But then the evening come and I was at my husbands house, and I told him what I had been thinking, and said I am going to do it. I’m just going to do it. Honestly, i’m not sure I believed myself, let alone my husband. But I drove to the local police station. I managed to get a parking space outside. Now I had to walk in the door. Heart pounding, hands sweaty, i’m not sure I have ever walked in a police station before. I got in and didn’t have a clue how to get to the front desk, all panicky I missed the huge sign that said take a seat wait to be called.. I waited about 10 mins, felt like a lifetime. I was called forward, and a lovely lady was at the desk. I said i’m not sure if I should be here, but I want to report sexual abuse. She was lovely, she could see that I really didn’t want to be there, but given the fact it was quite late in the day. There were less staff on. She said she had someone there that could talk to me, but I would have to wait half hour. I promised I would wait. I’m here now.. I’m sure the lady behind the desk was convinced I would go, but she took my contact details down. And I waited.. I was soon called in and spoke to a lovely female police officer at this point, I wasn’t reporting it. I was just asking what would happen if I did report it. The police officer explained that I couldn’t go into detail, but to give a brief outline for her. I did so, and as I left, she gave me a hug told me I was brave. And I promised I would have a think as to whether I want to go ahead and report it. She said someone would be in contact, in a few days. I missed the first call as I was at work, and to be honest, I panicked and still wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. So I gave it a couple days, then I phoned the detective. For a few days, we seemed to miss each other. But the more I thought of it the more I wanted to get it off my chest.
So I agreed to a video recorded interview. (and I thought I was scared walking into the police station, this was a whole new level). I arrived at the destination where I was asked to meet, there were video cameras subtlety placed around the room, I was met by the detective dealing with the case and another. They explained what they were going to do, and we began.
I started talking, the worst part was how I had to explain in detail. I had kept this inside for years, now I am having to not only talk but in detail.. I was there a few hours, I admit it went quickly. But I was drained, and never expected what would come next…
The nightmares, now I had really opened the box wide, I hadn’t relived this nightmare since I was in my early twenties, now I was reliving it every night. And sometimes flashbacks in the day. It was exhausting. I was falling a part, I went to the doctors and got signed off for a couple weeks. I honestly thought, I would full to pieces if I carried on working. So I took some time. My doctor has been brilliant as well as my employers.. After a few weeks, I felt well enough to get back into it, staying home isn’t going to help either, I need to be around my work family now..
More to come, thanks for reading!!!
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