I’ve been thinking today, what shall I say in today’s’ blog. I will come back to what happened after the police interview. I was thinking, that I would tell you a little about, why I no longer have any contact, with my mother.
It took me a long time before I realized that I was much better off with out her, I have such a caring nature that no matter how many times either of my parents treated me wrong. I would try to forgive them. It took the birth of my last child, to make me realize that I no longer needed this woman in my life.
I always used to feel sorry for mother, having to always be careful of what she said or did. I knew how I felt, it couldn’t have been nice for her. But, what mother would stick up for her husband and not her children. I’m sorry, but I would never let any man treat me or my children like that.
It happened to me once in a relationship, I had a controlling boyfriend very much like my father, I was in my 20’s, friends would warn me that he was wrong, that he had been violent to his previous wife. But he managed to convince me that he was not like that, and it was lies. Then 2 weeks before xmas, he went down on one knee and proposed, I accepted. We were only engaged a couple weeks, and he showed his true colours. We argued and he strangled me in front of my sister and daughter. Thankfully they got out the house. I managed to fight him off, and he left in a strop. Stupidly I let him back later that evening, but the fear of what he had done, I couldn’t live with, so two days later, I told him that he had to leave and if he didn’t I would contact the police. I’m not saying he left easily but eventually he did go.
Anyway, I guess my mother and I never really had the kind of mother daughter relationship, that most had. She seemed to adore her firstborn, but me, I suppose I reminded her of my father. I dunno. I remember times when she would be crying and I would try to console her, she pushed me away. She would always stick up for father, nothing I did was good enough. From as far back as I remember, I would have a list of chores to do, yet none of my siblings would! I suppose you would think, that I’m jealous. Maybe as a child I was. As I would see the others get affection but not me. Also, other than the odd occasion that my younger brother got shouted at. I was the target of their abuse. If I so much as spoke at the wrong time, I would be told to get the yellow pages, as I needed to be sent away. Even becoming a regular joke to them. When I was 11, I had a cat, I absolutely adored her, they used to kick her out at the night, yet she would climb up the porch and into my bedroom window. She was like my best friend, always there when I was sad. One day, she had kittens, that was ok. Parents rehomed them all, well that’s what I was told. After that, they would both say that if she got pregnant again, father would drown her as well as the kittens. So to my terror, one night I was woken by my beautiful cat to a noise of tiny meows, under my bed, there she was with four kittens. I tried to hide them for as long as I could, but after a few weeks I could no longer hide them. Yep, I was in trouble!! The only thing I can be thankful of is that they were not all drowned. Parents found someone to take them all away. Including my beautiful cat, I think I would have preferred a beating as the pain from this was unbearable. I honestly never thought I would get over losing my best friend. A couple weeks past and I returned from school to find that they had rehomed a dog. He was gorgeous, but unfortunately for him, he wasn’t very well toilet trained, so he would get a kicking for making a mess or for barking. I used to try to clean up before anyone would find it, or I would take him for long walks. To be honest, he probably got a beating because he became my dog, you know always coming to me, trying to hide by me, when they were around. Mother never kicked, but she would hit him too. We had him him a couple years, then one day I came home from school, and my mother said he ran away. He had done a couple times before but he always came back. (I’m convinced they got rid of him, or someone called the RSPCA, here’s hoping).
My mother never really physically hurt me, not that I can remember. Might of had the odd slap on the legs, but that’s normal isn’t it? So why do I hate her, well I will try and explain the many reasons why I finally decided that I did not need her in my life. What mother would lock you in a room, or leave you in the house all day alone with a list of chores to do. While they all went out. I’m not kidding, it was a joke that I was the real life cinderella, she would have me doing the housework, while my siblings would be out playing having fun. I remember one time arguing with her over the fact that I had a lot to do yet they didn’t. She would make up an excuse, tell me off and that I had no choice. I had a really close relationship with my mothers father. He was my world. He would do anything for me, we used to talk for hours, when I would visit. He hated my father, but back then knew he couldn’t do anything. My granddad had a weak heart and at 15 my mother got the call to say that he had passed away. I was there, when she took the call. My legs gave way, beneath me and I fell to the floor. I begged her to let me go with her to say goodbye. But she wouldn’t let me. She didn’t even let me go to his funeral, apparently he had always said he didn’t want grandchildren at his funeral, I accepted as this was his wishes… A few years later well quite a few years later, I found out that was a lie, it was her that didn’t want her children there. The year I did my exams, my parents decided to be extra nice to me, and asked if I would like to go and stay at my best friends for a few days. I was ecstatic so was she, her parents agreed and off I went. To find out later that they had all gone on holiday without me.. A few years later, they even gave me a copy of them all together at the holiday clubhouse. Apparently, my older brother just so happened to have turned up on that day.
How could my mother, be so cold towards me what did I do wrong. She was never there for me, she would always stick up for him. She never made any effort to do anything nice for me. She made sure I knew that when it comes to her children I was at the bottom of the pile. I needed her to be there for me when I went to the doctors for an infection down below. I wanted her to realize that something happened, instead i’m convinced that she put the dirty underwear idea in the doctors mind, I don’t know. She promised me when I got back in contact with them, that she would be there for me when I gave birth. She wasn’t. Yet to all the neighbours she would put on an act that she was there. My father left her for another women, shortly after. For a little while, mother and I became closer. But then she would get jealous if I chose to see friends other than her. We would argue, and I would bring up the past, ask her why she never stuck up for me. She would say I imagined it all. (That hurt). I always forgave and forgot, but she showed her true colours, she found herself another man, who was lovely, but the selfish woman that she was, would say he came first before her children or her grandchildren. So every weekend my sister and my younger brother would come to stay. At 13 my sister moved in. Still mother always managed to talk me around and I would see her, talk to her. She even continued to collect benefits for my sister refusing to give me a penny of them. To be honest I didn’t care, we managed. After a couple years her boyfriend left her, we weren’t close but we were in contact. She came to me asking for help, she wanted a new carpet, I had a catalogue, I agreed to let her get a carpet. She would pay me monthly for it. She then asked if I could help with her council tax bill and water bill. We had an agreement, that i would pay her bills by direct debit, and she would pay my provident loan (lady would come to door to collect cash weekly). I agreed, I didn’t have much to pay off so this suited us both. I cleared her debts and 6 months later, I found out that i was in trouble for not paying my provident bill. They had a CCJ for me, I argued with mother of course she denied it, said she paid it. I had no choice, pay up or debt collectors, so I set up an agreement and paid it off. Never got a single penny off mother. Our relationship remained strained for a few years after that. But I would always end up falling for her lies and thinking she would change, I would let her become close again. I was at college one day, and my sister in law called me to say she could not pick my daughter up from school as her daughter was ill. I had an exam to do in the next half hour. I thought well that’s ok I will ask mother. So I called her and she happily agreed, its only a 5 min walk from her house. I came home an hour after she collected my daughter. I thanked her for helping me out, to my shock she said, that’s ok don’t make a habit of it!! (I was gobsmacked are you kidding, she is your granddaughter). I didn’t retaliate, whats the point, its not like my daughter liked to go there anyway, in fact she hated it. A few months later, mother became unwell and needed a lot of help, I let her come and stay with me for a few weeks, while she recovered, put a bed in my lounge. Helped her build her strength to go home. I almost thought, this changed her for the better. I continued to help care for her for 2 years, while I juggled my kids, college, and a part time job. I have no idea how. But I liked to keep busy. One day though, I had made plans to take the kids out for the day with my best friend. Mother became jealous, started to have ago at me, saying that I didn’t care, I was torturing her as she was stuck in the house and couldn’t go anywhere. (She went everywhere with me). I was so angry, I was doing everything for her, often would choose to do stuff for her, than take time for myself and the kids. Her jealously continued. She would try and make me choose between her and my best friends. My best friends have always been there for me, they were more family to me that my family. When I left home they were there, they have always been there to help with my children, and thanks to them I was able to work and go to college. Why would I choose her over them, to me they were my real family. So I started to distance myself from her, by then she had lost contact with all her children except the youngest.
I eventually got married, and we had 2 children together. When my last daughter was born she was really poorly in intensive care. Not once did she come and visit. She finally came to see her granddaughter, when she was 6 weeks old, when we were home. Her excuse being that she wanted to give us space. I was so upset and angry at her, I had been to hell and back, and she could have been there but no. Not her.
It made me think, I was also poorly when I was born and in, intensive care, how could my mother or my father had treated me the way they did. That realization was the final straw, and I stopped all contact with her. And I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. I don’t have any regrets.