Nightmares, nightmares, nightmares. Sleep what is it, time for rest, time to recharge your inner battery. I can’t say that I am feeling recharged. Don’t get me wrong, some nights, I sleep better than others. The nightmares aren’t as bad now, when I first spoke out, they were often, 3-4 times a week. Now its much less. Maybe one a week. I am trying hard to get my life back to normal now. There isn’t much I can do accept wait.
Waiting is not my strong point, why can’t my life be like those that are portrayed on the TV. Lets skip the middle and get to the end. If only life could be as easy as that. Still no closer to my session of counselling. No recent updates from the police. My down days are less now, than my good days. So maybe something a little positive. But the nightmares still exist.
I had dinner with a good friend the other evening, I was talking about my blog with her. She hadn’t read it yet, I was still slowly inviting those I trust into this part of my world. Anyway, so we got talking, I was explaining how the blog was really helping me come to terms with my feelings. That since my last major breakdown, I have found away to let off steam. To not need to run away from myself. To try and start living a normal existence. I digress. So talking about my blog, got me thinking about my past, which probably led to my most recent nightmare.
The nightmare…. It was normal now, if my cousin was around, I knew what was coming, I had accepted it. It had been happening now for 4 years, things didn’t hurt as much. It was mainly oral sex, and his hand down there and my hand on him. It was raining outside, I was home alone, cleaning the house. I was really making an effort to make it look nice. So my parents would come back and be happy with me. Growing up our door was always open, neighbours, relatives came and went. It was a sunday, my parents and siblings were off rummaging around the carboot sales. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay home, I wasn’t keen on walking around car boot sales. So I set about cleaning the kitchen. My cousin came over, started teasing me like normal. He then asked me to go upstairs with him. I couldn’t say no. I never could. So upstairs I went. He told me to lie on the bed, he removed my underwear, and started touching and putting his mouth down there. He then put his in my mouth, I really wanted to vomit, I hated it, but I closed my eyes and just let him do what he wanted as I knew that any minute, it would be over and I can return to cleaning. Not this time though, he made me lie on the bed, he got on top of me, I wasn’t sure what he was doing at first. Then he tried to put it in me, asking if its in. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I said yes. (Unknown to me at this time it wasn’t in). So he started moving up and down on me heavy breathing, he was heavy. I just lay there, no idea what he was doing. It didn’t hurt, it was better than when he puts his fingers there. I just lay there, then he was done, he kissed me and left. A week later, he was over again, this time he was babysitting. He came into my room, everyone was a sleep, I was asleep. He got into my bed, and woke me up. He started touching me down there, then he was on top of me. I didn’t say anything, I knew it would be ok, and he would leave. It wasn’t ok, it stung, it hurt, it was the worst feeling ever, I almost screamed, he put his mouth over mine, kissed me, shushed me. That’s what he meant was it in? It felt like hours, I felt like I was going to die. I wanted to die. I was just in a nightmare it wasn’t happening, I would wake up and it would be ok. He finally left me. I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up, I went to the loo, it hurt to pee, I wiped and there was a little blood. I was scared, I didn’t know what to do. I went back to bed. I pretended that I felt ill, i’m not sure if they believed me, but they made me stay in my room, if I was ill, then I wasn’t allowed downstairs. I stayed there all day, that evening, I felt smelly dirty, so I had a bath after my father, I liked having his bath water as it was deep. I lay in the bath for a while, listening to my tape player. I then got out and still was worried about it smelling, it was sore, but it was smelly, all I could smell was him, that smell I hated. It wouldn’t go away. So I went into my mothers room and sprayed some of her perfume down there. Thinking nothing of it. I woke up in the early hours of the morning, with this overwhelming itch. I scratched and I scratched. My labia became swollen, almost like a penis, I was so scared by it. I had to tell my mum that I was sore down there, showed her, She had no idea why it was like it, but took me to the doctors. The doctor thought, I had developed an infection from poor hygiene, I was told off, given cream and hygiene advice. The most embarrassing thing was when she told my teacher at school. It took a few days, but it got less sore down there. I had seen my cousin, not alone thankfully, he would act all jovial, and I had to pretend that I was ok. But now when I saw him, my heart would pound and I would feel an overwhelming urge to want to cry. But I couldn’t. What would I say?
So that was my most recent nightmare. I will be honest, it left me feeling completely out of sorts. I wanted to write about it in my blog, but I couldn’t find the words. Hence, why it has taken me a good few days, to blog. I just buried myself in work. I avoided being home, I just had to keep myself busy. Its strange how I have learnt how to cope with this. At work I am in my happy place, I forget everything on the outside, I feel normal and then at home. It hits me. I think the worst thing is, the guilt I put myself through for leaving the kids. The guilt I feel, because, I don’t think I love my husband anymore. I do love him, just not in the same way, that I did. I think that makes it hard for me, when I am at home. I’m coping at the minute with my past, because I am finding a way to get it out, by writing about it. Sharing my story. But the problems, I have to deal with are not just past related, they are the current situation. They maybe entwined, but for now, I need to face each one separately. And work out what it is, I want from my life. My past can not rule my future. They say a marriage takes work, but I have worked hard from day one to get this far. I fought, for my husband to love me. I don’t want to fight for it anymore. I need him to fight, I will give us time. Because rightly or wrongly, the place that I am at, at the min, is not a place to be making decisions. I have to do what is right for my children, because, my next decision has to be a permanent one.
As for the investigation, it continues.. no news. I have tried to contact my detective on my days off. But I have been unsuccessful as her phone is off. Which means are her days off too. I don’t want to keep on at her, but I would like to know every now and then, what is happening..
Thanks for reading.
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I really appreciate you all sticking by and reading my blog, please remember to share with others. You never know who has been affected by abuse, that wants to know they are not alone. That they to could end there silence.