Time heals they say. Keep your head down and move on. Stop acting irrationally. Looking for an answer, is living in guilt and hate. Is it though? I have such a low opinion of myself. That when I get hurt, I need to know why? Was it something I did wrong. Or was it him? I know that everything happens for a reason. But what are the reasons? Why do I find it so easy to meet people that try to destroy me. I watched a film recently. And something was said in it. Which made me think. You look for the love you think you deserve. Maybe this is true. Maybe, I do.
I have had few relationships, trusting men is not the easiest for me. Hence, why I stayed single waiting patiently for 10 years for my husband. But when I think about the relationships, I have had. Its has always been me that has had to put in the effort. Then it backfires. I’m not a needy person. I don’t want to be showered in gifts and flowers. I just want to know that I am respected and loved. Do I have damaged written on my forehead. Help yourself to a piece of her heart, and destroy it.
Time heals… Maybe it does, but somewhere, there will always be the unanswered questions. The ache in your heart. That reminds you, you are still alive. I read a post today, it said that survivors of childhood sexual abuse are 10 – 13 times more likely to commit suicide. If only people knew, how many times, I had considered this. But truth is, I am a coward. I grew up in hell. I could never let my children suffer in any shape or form. So I have to survive this. I have to accept that not everyone has the perfect life. I have to let fate decide whether justice is done. I have to accept the love that I have, and stop trying to seek something, I will never find.
I will give it time, I will continue this journey that has been planned out for me. I will take the knocks. I will get back up. I will have my bad days, I will have my good. I will continue to smile, even when deep down inside, I am broken. I will continue to write my blog. Because, I know that for those that are reading, some who have been through, what I have or know someone that has suffered. You know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for your kind words and support.