This week has been tough for me. I have been feeling incredibly low. Each time I get in the car, I am hoping that someone ends my misery. Stupid..because I am to much of a coward to do anything to myself. Does it mean I am suicidal? I would argue that i’m not. Just really fed up, low. And want it to end. I know its just a down period, and soon I will be out of it again. I have so much to be thankful for, so why am I so selfish? There are people out there, suffering a lot worse, than what I have, to go through. Yet, I just can’t find a way to feel good right now.
Ok, so I had a tough childhood. I didn’t know what love was until I became a mother. But I turned my life around. It could have been so much more different. So why, why do I continue to give myself a hard time. The last thing I want is for my blog to be totally depressing and negative. This isn’t why I have chosen to write. But I have chosen, to share how I feel, because it helps me. I want to share what it is like in my head. So there you go, I am feeling down. One of the reasons being, that recently, I put my trust in a good friend, and that friend totally changed before my eyes. I did not see it coming. I hate the fact, that my vulnerability still allows certain people to treat me like they do. I think that given, everything I have dealt with this year, the awful let down of my friend, just makes it all so much harder to deal with. But I’m not going to let it destroy me. I have to pick myself up and move forward. Like I have so many times before. Anyway, so this is how I am feeling right now. So to pick myself up, I am going to continue this update with something that will, take me away from how I am feeling now, to some of the good times I had as a teenager.
13 years old I met my best friend, little did I know, that 20+ years later, we are still as close as ever. She is my world, we may not see each other often, but I know when we need each other, we are there. So here’s our story, of what we got up to as teenagers.
My bestie lived 8 miles away from me, but that never stopped us. My parents would never, drive me to her house. My fathers attitude was that he used to walk 6 miles to school. If I wanted to see my friend, then I can walk the distance. So that is what I did. Whenever, I was allowed out, I would be walking the 8 miles to my friends house. Sometimes, we would walk a further 5 miles to catch a bus to the local town, for some much needed girly shopping. Not that I ever had any money, maybe enough for the bus fare. But I didn’t need money, I was out with my bestie. I was more than happy wandering around the shops enjoying the freedom. So what did we get up to then.
Well, my best friend lived with her father, who was often out late. We used to stay up watching movies, cooking, chatting about our latest crush. Sometimes, we might do a bit of homework, but truthfully for me that was rare. We used to hang out in the local pub, spending the night mostly playing pool and listening to music. Then we met these guys that drove, and we would go everywhere together. My parents never had a clue. But I didn’t care, I was enjoying life and it was worth the risk. We used to go back to one of their houses, have drinking challenges, my best friend and I never left each others side. She knew my secrets, and we stuck by each other. But we need not worry as the guys, were lovely. I soon began to trust them, and one eventually became my first boyfriend.
The best part of having friends with cars, was the freedom we had. I will never forget the first time, they took us to a nightclub, we were 15, we had planned it for a couple weeks before. I was nervous, would I seriously get in as an 18 year old. As luck would have it, we did. Three floors the nightclub had, and the most amazing cocktails I had ever tasted. We all stuck together like glue, dancing and giggling. The best part was, my friend that was allocated driver, had a knack for sleeping anywhere, honest, I’m sure he could sleep stood up. This one night, we had all been dancing on the dance floor, and he had been sat in the corner, at our table looking after our bags. We came back and there he was sound asleep underneath the blaring speakers. I remember someone, coming up to ask if he was ok. We laughed so much about it, to this day, we still find it funny.
Then there was this time, that I was staying at my besties. we had waited for her father to go to sleep, then crept out of the house. We walked around the country lanes, with these lads, singing loudly. Making up silly songs. Laughing so much. Then hiding in a field if a car drove by in case it was the police. As daylight began to surface, we would hide in this half built house. And wait for her father to leave for work. Me jumping up and down saying there he is, there he is, then running around the corner and almost knocking myself out hitting my head on the wall. No sympathy from my friend, she was crying with laughter. Admittedly it was a little funny.
One of our friends that had a car, also had a bungalow. We used to spend a lot of our time there. Listening to music, watching films. Playing volleyball, having water fights. drinking challenges were the best. How we use to drink thunderbird, yuck. lol. However, mad dog 20/20. What I would give to have a bottle of that, yum yum. Yes I was a rebel, or a typical teenager. I did have some fun, especially with my bestie. She is and always has been my rock.
Its been nice reminiscing about the good times. I may have been through hell, but during that period, when I had a chance to live as a normal teenager, I took it, and I enjoyed every second.
Thank you so much again for reading. I actually feel quite chipper now, talking about this.
Thank you for your continued support. xxx