Where do I start. Well I can say that I have had some news this week. To my surprise I had a call from the specialist counselling team. They had a space become available. I thought I would be happy. But I am apprehensive. To be honest, i got the call at work. The days I was offered were days that I worked. It would be complicated. How on earth, can I expect my boss to change my shift pattern. And at short notice. They wanted me the next day or at least starting next week. So I went and spoke to my boss. I don’t know what I was hoping for, would she give me this time. Or would I wait for the next spot. Am I really ready for this. I have found a way to cope right now. Am I ready to dig deep. Really face the past. Find that little girl that needs rescuing. Can I really do this.
My boss as always, was supportive as ever, and found a way to make it work. So I called the centre to except my counselling sessions. I now have less than a week. I had accepted that I won’t start talking until march/april next year. Now I had a week. I feel selfish in a way, as their are probably people out there, that need it more than I do. But I also know that deep down, I need this.
This year has tested me in more ways, than, I could possibly imagine. I truly don’t know which way my life is facing right now. Some days I am ok, not great, but I am ok. Then there are days when all I can think about is the argument inside my head. I can’t live this life anymore, I don’t want to be here. But I can’t leave this life. What about my children, what about the job I worked so hard for. If I failed to end this. I would be deemed unfit to work. Whether I failed or succeeded. How selfish is that of me, to do this to my family. This is an argument, that fills my head most days at the min. Its just an argument with in my head. But it’s exhausting. My emotions are so up and down. I can easily put aside my feelings, when I am busy focusing on others. But alone in the car, or at home. These thoughts override me. I am glad that this counselling has finally come forward for me. I need it, I know I need it. I’m terrified to open up the rawness of my past. But I know, if I don’t do something. I may not survive this pain, i am feeling.
So one week from now, will be the start of finally fixing 40+ years of torment. Maybe then, I will be less vulnerable for people, to feel like they can come into my life, rip it in half and throw me away like I am nothing. Maybe, now I can stop feeling insecure. Act more like a grown up. Stop self destructing my own life. Leave the past in the past, bury the insecurities. Stop the act. It’s ok to cry, to not be ok sometimes. I have survived hell. It’s now time to try and except my life, my future. To try and be proud of the person I have become. Who knows, I may succeed. I know I owe it to my family, work family to try. Its time to heal. If I give in to the dark thoughts, then my past wins and all those that don’t deserve to know me win. This blog, is my place to say how I feel. I will continue to share as much as I can. I don’t want it to be completely negative. Please bare with me. As the next few months are going to be one hell of a roller coaster.
Thanks for stopping by!!