Part 12.. Nervous.. ( my story continues, scroll to bottom to real from the start..)

Its chilly today. Christmas is around the corner. Filling me with dread this year. Every year I say to the kids, you won’t get much. Money is tight. Then I manage to somehow, find a way of making sure they are spoilt as much as I can. But this year, will be different. I haven’t even started shopping yet. And I have no idea, how I am going to or what I am going to get. When I left my family, earlier this year, It took a lot more than I was expecting. And I am still dealing with it now. I’m home, but its different. I used to be the one that dealt with all of the finances. But no longer. That is down to the husband now. So xmas shopping isn’t going to be an easy task. It will be ok though, I will make it as good as I can. There may not be a mountain of gifts under the tree this year. But I will make sure my children know they are loved. I will do my best to make it fun for them. I am not to worried to be fair. I have raised my children well, I believe. They will be happy no matter what. 

Anyway, less of my xmas woes. Tomorrow, I start my specialist counselling. I am feeling ill today, reckon its more anxiety related, than any type of bug coming my way. I know this is what I need. I am ready for it. But I am worried about the nightmares, the flashbacks. After my police interview, they were so real, raw. Hard to deal with. Since starting this blog, they have become easier to deal with and happen less. However, I know that this counselling will involve breaking my past into small pieces, dealing with things, I have tried so hard to hide. When I went for my first assessment in march. The counselor said I had to learn, how to let the little girl inside me feel protected, loved and not at fault. Is it really going to be that easy though.  

30+ years ago it all started, my living hell. The childhood physical and emotional abuse from my parents, the sexual abuse from my cousin. I have many years of denial, low self esteem, insecurity, anxiety and depression.Is it possible to change the way I think and feel in a matter of 6 months, 26 hours of therapy? Is it really going to be that easy. What will my counselling involve. I have spoke to counselors before, but I rarely mentioned my past. I may have spoke with little snippets. But rarely went into detail. And if the counselor tried to pursue it further, I would give up and not go back. What if it gets to much, what if I decide I can’t continue with it. I need this to work, more than I have ever needed anything to work. I need to heal from this. As I get older, I realise how much my past has affected me, and still affects me now. I want to stop the self torture. I don’t want to be this insecure person any more. I want the next chapter of my life, to be the best yet. I want to be less insecure, have more confidence, and more belief in myself. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to let the past go. I don’t know what will come from the police process. It may not get anywhere. But I have finally started to let go. I know the truth, I have my friends and family around me. What ever happens now, things can only start to get better. So lets begin today. This is my story, its painful, it hurts, but through to the end of it, I will finally have peace. Whatever, comes from this, it can only be positive to my healing. 

I will update again tomorrow, to let you all know how my first session went….  To be continued…. 

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