update

What a day.. I can honestly say, my head is all over the place at the minute. This morning started off with my first counselling session. So lets start with that. I woke up half a dozen times during the night. Anxiety, took hold of me. My mind just wouldn’t settle. I have waited for so long for this day. Why am I feeling so anxious. This is the start of a new beginning. But is it going to help, I keep asking myself. I set my alarm early as I knew, I would need to fight the rush hour traffic. But I got up late, I wanted to go, but I wanted to cancel. I got up showered, got ready. I knew I would be late, but I had to do this. So I got in my car and drove. I was 15 mins late. Not a great start to my first session. My counselor was understanding. So we got down to business. Today was mainly paperwork based. Dealing with holidays, confidentiality, agreement to attend. We did start talking a little into the past. Thankfully, my counselor was the lady, that did my assessment back in march. So she already knew a lot of stuff. That helped. 

So the real healing begins next week. She did say, that I don’t have to spend every session, discussing the past. I can chose to talk about anything. I thought that was good, but lets hope that I don’t do what I did many years back. When I was 17, as I had counselling then, but I didn’t use it to my best ability. I often chose to speak of what was happening in the now, not the past. I need this to work for me now. So much has happened in my life, the choices I have made. The anxieties. The low self esteem, the constant need for reassurance. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to doubt that I did a good or bad job with my children. The fear that one day they will feel about me as I do my mother. They have no reason to feel that. I know that, but it scares me to the core. I want to be the best parent, their best friend, the person they turn to when they need to. 

So what happened after my session. I met up with a couple good friends for lunch, which was lovely. I then drove home, I had a call from someone connected to the police, she was checking in on me. She asked me if I had any updates lately. I explained that my case had been handed over to someone else. I wasn’t sure who. She messaged me to tell me, that it was now with a male police officer. I’m not sure what his standing is, but I don’t think its a detective now. So does that mean, they are not taking my case seriously anymore. What does is mean?? So getting home, I started to feel sick again, similar to yesterday, I am sure this is just anxiety. As I don’t think I will be sick, its just a proper uneasy feeling in my stomach. I guess I just don’t want to come this far for nothing. I have no idea, where or when it will end. But it has to be for something. Please don’t let my opening up be for nothing.

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