CPTSD part 13.

So what do I do now? I have opened up my wounds for all to see. I thought it was the right thing to do. But now I am so uncertain of everything. This rollercoaster is going so slow yet so fast. I have no idea, of anything right now. I ask myself regularly why me. Why did this happen to me. When will things actually be rosy in my life. I watched others, who appear to have it all. I work my arse off to give everything I can for my children. Yet, why do I feel like such a failure. I have nothing to show really. Yes, I have a job that I adore. I love my kids to pieces. But everything else is so shit right now. I want this year to end. I hate the way I feel right now. The uncertainties, the guilt. How did things get to this? Why now. I was doing ok. Not great but I was ok. Then I went to a family funeral, life changed. I left my marriage, my home, my kids. I tried to make it work alone. But I failed, I really failed. 

How can life change so much, that it tips you right off your path, that you no longer, know how to get back on. My counselling session started this week, it was ok. I know its the right time for me, I have to face the past, to begin a better future. But at the minute, I see no future, so whats the point I ask myself. I am so done with feeling broken. I just want to forget about it, forget about everything and everyone that has hurt me. How long can I pretend that I am ok, when really I am not. I broke a little this week. Everything had become a little to much, I was silly, I regret what I did, I am ashamed. But it is how I cope when things are really bad. I guess, I’m just not accepting things right now. 

I truly feel like my heart has been ripped out. I don’t want to keep feeling this, but I do. I have to let go of everything from the past. But how do I do it, when I am surrounded by it. I am trying, really trying. But I just don’t know which path to take right now. I am trying to hide, from the reality of the pain. Put on a brave face, but I am struggling. Am I capable of getting through this. I have made so many different wrong choices in my life. I have accepted so many times to be treated like, I don’t really matter, that it is ok, to make me feel like, I mean everything, yet I meant nothing. I cut myself again this week, I just did it, I don’t know why. I do regret it. Really regret it. But I just can’t handle being in my own head. The only time I feel, any peace and comfort is when I am working, putting all my love and care into patients. Yet, I can’t do that 24/7. I have to be home, I have to face the truth of all my choices. The mistakes I have made. I can not blame it all on the past, some of this is my own doing. I am selfish, to not think differently. I am in charge of my destiny. I let people treat me the way they do. I always have sat back and accepted it. I never said no, not once to my cousin. I let it happen, so I am just as guilty as him. I let my parents continue to treat me the way they did, even as an adult. I never stood up for myself. I just let them walk all over me. And then, there are the men in my life. I let them in, I trusted them and I got hurt. So I am the one to blame. Leaving home, I chose to do that, now our finances have taken a hard hit, that’s all me!! I can’t blame my husband, I did this, me… 

So I ask, what do I do now? Continue to live in this world of self pity? Move on? Who actually cares anyway? I have friends, great friends. But no one wants to listen to this self pity. It gets boring after a while. So I write it in my blog. I know not many will read, I don’t worry about that. I just write because then, its out of my head for that short period. And maybe one day, I will look back at this and think, gosh, it was bad, but you survived.. Right now, I really don’t know what to think. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or worry about me. My dear friends, that, take the time to read this, you know me, i will be ok. I love you all, and I really, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for just being there, not judging, listening and well just being there. I love you all. I will get through this, I won’t let it destroy me. I have my family, my job and I now have my counselling. I had a blip, I regret it. I hate trying to hide it and lying about it. But I couldn’t stop it. I have been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder. I guess living with mental health is hard, it’s just accepting the battle, you are fighting and not letting it win. 

If you got this far, I thank you for stopping by and reading. Everyone is fighting some kind of a battle, we can all hide it. But sometimes it all becomes to much. Talk to your loved ones, don’t keep it in. Write about it. It may or may not help, sometimes, i think it does, then other times, I think, whats the point. But truth is there is a point, i had a traumatic past, I am facing it, i am doing something about it. If it means spending time on this rollercoaster, then I will continue. It’s not nice. But I have to be strong for my family and work family. I have to much to lose. I must remember this…

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