Feeling proper down today, probably just tiredness. But I am really struggling. I have just spoken to the detective. Not reassured, not one bit. I am starting to feel, what was the point. Was it worth reliving the nightmare. Nothing is going to come of it.
By the sounds of it, she is no further forward than she was 4 months ago. She is still waiting for records to come back to her. She is struggling to get statements from my relatives. Was it all for nothing? My brother said he would give a statement, but now, it feels like he has backtracked that, and making excuses to not speak.
I really don’t think the police are getting anywhere. I know they have many other cases to go through. I don’t know what I was expecting to be fair. How am I supposed to remain strong, continue living local to the family, that ruined my life. If at the end of the day, I am made to look like the fool?
I love my family, I love my job, but right now it would be so easy to just escape from all of it. I know that there are people out there, living a worse nightmare than, what I am. I feel guilty that I let this get to me. I have my health, I have a good job, loving family. Children I am so very very proud of. Yet, its not enough is it? I still want to throw it all away, because, I am worried that I am not who I thought I was. Am I good parent? Am I a good nurse? Am I to blame for it all? Did I do something as child that made my parents hate me? Did I do something that made my cousin feel it was ok to do what he did. Did I encourage it.
Recently, my confidence has grown a little, I will flirt with men. I never used to. But I do like to be a bit of flirt. I don’t go over the top with it. Just friendly banter really. Did I know how to flirt at the age of 6 or later? Did I bring it all on myself. Boyfriends that I have had, have hurt me. They have used me, cheated on me, beat me. Even my husband, although he wouldn’t hurt a hair on my head. He treated me disrespectfully for many years before he finally gave in, and married me. How awful, does that sound, he gave in. But its true, for 10 years we would be sleeping together every weekend, but he always said we couldn’t be in a relationship, he didn’t love me the way I wanted him to. But I didn’t believe him, so I waited and I waited and eventually, he changed his mind, and we ended up married, and had children together.
He tells me he loves me, but I find it hard to feel it. Sometimes, its like living a marriage of convenience. He never makes an effort with me. We just live separate lives. We don’t really talk anymore. I left a few months ago, I am back now, but I am not happy. I feel like I am selfish, for saying so, but I really am not happy. Not one bit.
Christmas is coming, since being a mother, I have always looked forward to it. Worse than the kids, my excitement starts in August, lol. But this year, I am really struggling to feel the spirit. I haven’t even started shopping yet. I really couldn’t care less. I have always made an extra effort at christmas, as I don’t have family that buy for my children, the only presents, they receive are normally from me. So I go the extra mile to make sure they are spoilt. Besides its the only time of year they really get spoilt. But it’s not going to happen this year. I just can’t find that part of me. So much has happened. My husband talks to me about christmas like we are separated, buying separately for the children. I used to be the one that controlled the finances in our household. But now, he does it. So its not easy for me, to just go and buy things. I have tried to suggest, shared bills account, and split the difference at the end. But he isn’t keen. So for now I am hoping, christmas will miss this house, or at least, he will go out and do the shopping, prove me wrong.
It’s not just about the gifts, or lack of really. It’s everything. It will be my first christmas without my gran. It totally breaks my heart, knowing I won’t see her. She was the one woman that I looked up to as a mother figure. I hate that when I go to talk to her, she can not answer. I hate that christmas is coming, that she isn’t here, to take to the garden centres. I have lost this beautiful women, that was in my life. She would be here now, getting me in the spirit for christmas. She used to love hearing my stories of what surprises I had in store for the children. We used to sit and talk, plan how I would be getting, something that they really wanted. That the children will be so thrilled. She used to love it, and that use to encourage me more. But this year, I really just don’t feel it.
Then I have the fact that my real mother is dying. As much as I say I hate my mother, I can’t help feeling guilty that I won’t let go of the past. So that she can die peacefully. I really am not a bitch! I just don’t know how, to forgive her. I tried recently, I really did. I walked into the hospital, it was the first time, I had seen her in years. I told her about things that had been happening to me, how I was struggling. She totally changed the subject, and said life’s not fair, why did this have to happen to me. I was so angry. Why does it have to be about her. She has no one to blame but herself, for her situation. She never did anything to try and become healthy, she ignored health advice, she continued to be inactive and pile on the weight. I’m sorry, but I see people fight to get back the person they were. I looked after my mother, when she was ill. I listened to the excuses, why she couldn’t do something. I listened to the blame game of the medical profession, that had let her down. Thing is you can not help someone, who does not want to be helped. So why, why? Am I letting myself, feel guilt for her impending death. I want to make amends, but at the same time I really don’t. I just don’t know, how I can pretend that, it’s ok. I can’t lie to her. Or myself.
Life really has hit the bottom of the road, I really don’t know how to get back on top. I hate feeling sorry for myself. But I don’t know how to feel good about things, when everything seems to be going against me. I can pretend, I am ok, but inside, i’m not. I have totally made a mess of things. Today, I really wonder why I bothered speaking up. The police will never find any evidence. It’s not going to go anywhere. I want to remain positive, but I am being realistic. I am honest, sometimes, its hard to see the positive side of things. I am not saying to anyone reading don’t speak up. Because, every case is different, you should speak up. For me at the min, I just don’t know how to accept that it might of all been a waste.
As for my life at home, and work. I love my job, its my happy place, most of the time. It gets stressful, but I love it. But I can’t be there 24/7. I have to have a home, work life balance. So home life. How can I change it, I could go to marriage counselling, that might help in the short term. Or it will make us see that we are at the end of the road. I just don’t know if I am really ready to face it. I don’t want to hurt my children again. But can I stay here for them? How can I tell my husband, that I am really not looking forward to christmas? How do I feel the love that I once had? I would have walked on hot coal for him, I literally put my life on hold for 10 years waiting for him. How can I feel so distant now? Do I just leave? Leave home, work? Try and find myself somewhere else. Maybe for a few months/ years? Can I survive on my own? Where would I go? It’s so easy to sit here and think, I want to run, I need to leave. But truth is, I literally have nothing. I have nowhere to go. Wherever, I go the feelings I am feeling will still be there. Probably worse, as the guilt of leaving my children. Especially at this time of year. How can I be so selfish to even think it.
Thanks for listening. 😦